Scurrilous: Chicago's No. 1 couch potato: Jack of All Trades: Yes, we know you've had enough of K-Fed, but here's more

Having mastered the music business, Kevin Federline is now goingto act. People mag says he's shooting an episode of "CSI." He plays -- duh! -- a young thug.

He got the call during rehearsals for the "Teen Choice Awards"and, he says with his usual class, "I pissed in my pants! I wasexcited right off the bat."

His episode will be on in October sometime.

The producers have also announced that singer-songwriter JohnMayer (Jessica Simpson's new beau, ya know) will appear, and sing, inthe two-part season premiere Sept. 21 and 28.

Strange. Celeb cameos are usually a sign of a show in trouble.

NOW IT CAN BE TOLD

Jessica Simpson has admitted to having had a pair of her bodyparts pumped up artificially, so they'd be plump and noticeable andappealing. I refer, of course, to her lips. She told Glamour magazineshe used "that

Restylane stuff" last fall. And she wasn't happy with the results."It looked fake to me. I didn't like that ... it went away in, like,four months. My lips are back to what they were. Thank God!"

THERE HE GOES AGAIN

The other night in Hollywood, Brad 'n' Angie pull up at a party inhonor of Scott Caan, one of the "Ocean's Thirteen" actors. Beforethey get out of their car, somebody comes over and warns them thatJon Voight is inside.

So Hollywood's biggest couple sat in their car for a while, drovearound for a while, came back. Brad went in. Angie sat in the caruntil Voight left; then she went in by the back door.

You'll recall that Voight is Angelina's father, and the two havebeen estranged ever since about four years ago, when he shot off hismouth about her mental state. She feared that would screw up heradoption of Maddox. Voight keeps hoping to reconcile; she's notinterested. After all, the guy can't even get the name of hisgranddaugther, Zahara, right.

BON JOVI ADMITS LIMITATIONS

Jon Bon Jovi says he's done with Hollywood and will stick withmusic.

He's had acting roles in "Ally McBeal," "The West Wing," and amovie or two, but says the movie life is "a pretty rotten existenceto be in ... It is a lot better for me being the director, producerand star when you make a record than it is to go and stand in thatlong line and wait for your audition."

Translation: "I can't act."

IT'S ALL BEEN SAID BEFORE

Sean Connery says he has scrapped plans for an autobiography, onthe grounds that he would not be able to correct all the falseanecdotes about himself. Or so he told Empire magazine, anyway. He'sreferring, I suppose, to his ex-wife Diane Cilento's claim that hebeat her one night, he has always denied it, and to his celebrated1965 quote in Playboy: "I don't think there is anything particularlywrong in hitting a woman, though I don't recommend you do it the sameway that you hit a man."

BABYLON WINS IN THE END

What would Bob think of the gold coins the Bank of Jamaica isissuing with his visage? "Babylon" is Rastafarian code for the wholeglobal economy, profit motive, etc., and Marley was no fan: "Babylonsystem is the vampire," he said in one song. Marley died of cancer in1981, age 36.

IT'S SO STRANGE, IT MIGHT BE TRUE

The New Yorker says Carly Simon asks people to spank her backstagebefore gigs: It's her way to get over stage fright. At Bill Clinton's 50th birthday party in 1996 "Simon, terrified of following SmokeyRobinson, invited the entire horn section to let her have it," sayswriter John Lahr. "They all took turns spanking me," she says."During the spank the curtain went up."

SIGN OF THE TIMES

Actor James Franco says "Spider-Man 3" director Sam Raimi iscalling for reshoots , rarely a good sign. If test audiences really,really hate your ending, or something, then you have to try again.The writers frantically change everyone's motivation, lines, andfate, and actors are called back to shoot new scenes.

Franco, who plays Peter Parker pal Harry Osborn, revealed to MTVthat reshoots are planned, likely this month because Raimi "wantsmore action."

And there's a lot riding on getting this "Spider-Man 3" right:Star Tobey Maguire says the story will be left open-ended, to allowfor the possibility of

"Spider-Man 4."

THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS

Ashton Kutcher told Details magazine he has managed to turn DemiMoore into a football fan. When they dress up to go out, though,she's in charge: "If she's wearing black, you just wear black.Matching is not her job. It's yours. You're the purse."

SO WHAT'S SHE HOOKED ON ANYWAY?

Model/actress Amber Valletta has just spent a week in a rehabplace to help her cope with "work stress, image issues" and "a non-substance-related addiction," somebody close to her is telling anyonewho will listen. She was at the well-regarded The Meadows inWickenburg, Ariz.

"Non-substance-related addiction." What, like shopping? I think weshould be told!

WRITE IF YOU GET WORK

ALYSSA'S LIFE AND LOVES

"Charmed" starlet Alyssa Milano is launching a line of baseball-themed clothing for young women.

The Touch line will be in stores in time for opening day nextspring. Alyssa takes quite a personal interest in the nationalpastime: She dated former Expo pitcher Carl Pavano (now with theYankees but injured) then southpaw starter Barry Zito of Oakland, andnow she's with Dodger right-hander Brad Penny, also a starter.

AW HELL, WHY NOT?

Elton John wants to do a hip-hop album with the big producer Dr.Dre. "I want to work with Pharrell, Timbaland, Snoop, Kanye, Eminem,"he told Rolling Stone. "It may be a disaster, it could be fantastic,but you don't know until you try ... I love these beats, but I haveno idea how to get them."

STUPID CELEBRITY TRICKS

To raise money for charity, Eminem has designed, and Nike Inc.will produce, a limited edition Air Max sneaker. Give me a break. Theguy knows as much about sneakers as you know about Glagoliticdipthongs. Maybe less. But suckers will buy all 64 pairs of thesethings at auction anyway, and then bore their friends silly showingthem off. At least it's for a good cause. The money goes to theMarshall Mathers Foundation, for troubled Michigan kids, and toNinemillion.org, which gives sports equipment to kids in refugeecamps worldwide.

SPOTLIGHT COUPLES

MAN LAW FOR LADIES

About Tom Arnold's separation from third wife Shelby Roos: Neverdate a man with two first names. He's bound to be indecisive andunable to commit.

Tom's 47. Shelby's 43.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT

Would you believe George Clooney and Ellen Barkin? Neither wouldI. But that's the buzz. Yes, they are co-stars on "Ocean's Thirteen."Yes, she just got ditched by rich guy Ron Perleman. Yes, George is anempathetic guy.

But if they're having any more contact than her crying on hisshoulder, it's strictly consolatory and won't last long, is my guess.

IT'S CHEAPER TO SAY IT

The Daily Mail, in England, says Rod Stewart just bought an estatein the south of France for his fiancee Penny Lancaster. He paid $5.9million for the hillside home near Nice, and then paid another$150,000 for renovations.

Good old Nameless Insider told the paper that "Rod has a notoriousreputation, but with Penny he is convinced he has found The One. Thishouse was his gift to her, a way of saying, 'I love you.' "

Scurrilous: Chicago's No. 1 couch potato: Jack of All Trades: Yes, we know you've had enough of K-Fed, but here's more

Having mastered the music business, Kevin Federline is now goingto act. People mag says he's shooting an episode of "CSI." He plays -- duh! -- a young thug.

He got the call during rehearsals for the "Teen Choice Awards"and, he says with his usual class, "I pissed in my pants! I wasexcited right off the bat."

His episode will be on in October sometime.

The producers have also announced that singer-songwriter JohnMayer (Jessica Simpson's new beau, ya know) will appear, and sing, inthe two-part season premiere Sept. 21 and 28.

Strange. Celeb cameos are usually a sign of a show in trouble.

NOW IT CAN BE TOLD

Jessica Simpson has admitted to having had a pair of her bodyparts pumped up artificially, so they'd be plump and noticeable andappealing. I refer, of course, to her lips. She told Glamour magazineshe used "that

Restylane stuff" last fall. And she wasn't happy with the results."It looked fake to me. I didn't like that ... it went away in, like,four months. My lips are back to what they were. Thank God!"

THERE HE GOES AGAIN

The other night in Hollywood, Brad 'n' Angie pull up at a party inhonor of Scott Caan, one of the "Ocean's Thirteen" actors. Beforethey get out of their car, somebody comes over and warns them thatJon Voight is inside.

So Hollywood's biggest couple sat in their car for a while, drovearound for a while, came back. Brad went in. Angie sat in the caruntil Voight left; then she went in by the back door.

You'll recall that Voight is Angelina's father, and the two havebeen estranged ever since about four years ago, when he shot off hismouth about her mental state. She feared that would screw up heradoption of Maddox. Voight keeps hoping to reconcile; she's notinterested. After all, the guy can't even get the name of hisgranddaugther, Zahara, right.

BON JOVI ADMITS LIMITATIONS

Jon Bon Jovi says he's done with Hollywood and will stick withmusic.

He's had acting roles in "Ally McBeal," "The West Wing," and amovie or two, but says the movie life is "a pretty rotten existenceto be in ... It is a lot better for me being the director, producerand star when you make a record than it is to go and stand in thatlong line and wait for your audition."

Translation: "I can't act."

IT'S ALL BEEN SAID BEFORE

Sean Connery says he has scrapped plans for an autobiography, onthe grounds that he would not be able to correct all the falseanecdotes about himself. Or so he told Empire magazine, anyway. He'sreferring, I suppose, to his ex-wife Diane Cilento's claim that hebeat her one night, he has always denied it, and to his celebrated1965 quote in Playboy: "I don't think there is anything particularlywrong in hitting a woman, though I don't recommend you do it the sameway that you hit a man."

BABYLON WINS IN THE END

What would Bob think of the gold coins the Bank of Jamaica isissuing with his visage? "Babylon" is Rastafarian code for the wholeglobal economy, profit motive, etc., and Marley was no fan: "Babylonsystem is the vampire," he said in one song. Marley died of cancer in1981, age 36.

IT'S SO STRANGE, IT MIGHT BE TRUE

The New Yorker says Carly Simon asks people to spank her backstagebefore gigs: It's her way to get over stage fright. At Bill Clinton's 50th birthday party in 1996 "Simon, terrified of following SmokeyRobinson, invited the entire horn section to let her have it," sayswriter John Lahr. "They all took turns spanking me," she says."During the spank the curtain went up."

SIGN OF THE TIMES

Actor James Franco says "Spider-Man 3" director Sam Raimi iscalling for reshoots , rarely a good sign. If test audiences really,really hate your ending, or something, then you have to try again.The writers frantically change everyone's motivation, lines, andfate, and actors are called back to shoot new scenes.

Franco, who plays Peter Parker pal Harry Osborn, revealed to MTVthat reshoots are planned, likely this month because Raimi "wantsmore action."

And there's a lot riding on getting this "Spider-Man 3" right:Star Tobey Maguire says the story will be left open-ended, to allowfor the possibility of

"Spider-Man 4."

THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS

Ashton Kutcher told Details magazine he has managed to turn DemiMoore into a football fan. When they dress up to go out, though,she's in charge: "If she's wearing black, you just wear black.Matching is not her job. It's yours. You're the purse."

SO WHAT'S SHE HOOKED ON ANYWAY?

Model/actress Amber Valletta has just spent a week in a rehabplace to help her cope with "work stress, image issues" and "a non-substance-related addiction," somebody close to her is telling anyonewho will listen. She was at the well-regarded The Meadows inWickenburg, Ariz.

"Non-substance-related addiction." What, like shopping? I think weshould be told!

WRITE IF YOU GET WORK

ALYSSA'S LIFE AND LOVES

"Charmed" starlet Alyssa Milano is launching a line of baseball-themed clothing for young women.

The Touch line will be in stores in time for opening day nextspring. Alyssa takes quite a personal interest in the nationalpastime: She dated former Expo pitcher Carl Pavano (now with theYankees but injured) then southpaw starter Barry Zito of Oakland, andnow she's with Dodger right-hander Brad Penny, also a starter.

AW HELL, WHY NOT?

Elton John wants to do a hip-hop album with the big producer Dr.Dre. "I want to work with Pharrell, Timbaland, Snoop, Kanye, Eminem,"he told Rolling Stone. "It may be a disaster, it could be fantastic,but you don't know until you try ... I love these beats, but I haveno idea how to get them."

STUPID CELEBRITY TRICKS

To raise money for charity, Eminem has designed, and Nike Inc.will produce, a limited edition Air Max sneaker. Give me a break. Theguy knows as much about sneakers as you know about Glagoliticdipthongs. Maybe less. But suckers will buy all 64 pairs of thesethings at auction anyway, and then bore their friends silly showingthem off. At least it's for a good cause. The money goes to theMarshall Mathers Foundation, for troubled Michigan kids, and toNinemillion.org, which gives sports equipment to kids in refugeecamps worldwide.

SPOTLIGHT COUPLES

MAN LAW FOR LADIES

About Tom Arnold's separation from third wife Shelby Roos: Neverdate a man with two first names. He's bound to be indecisive andunable to commit.

Tom's 47. Shelby's 43.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT

Would you believe George Clooney and Ellen Barkin? Neither wouldI. But that's the buzz. Yes, they are co-stars on "Ocean's Thirteen."Yes, she just got ditched by rich guy Ron Perleman. Yes, George is anempathetic guy.

But if they're having any more contact than her crying on hisshoulder, it's strictly consolatory and won't last long, is my guess.

IT'S CHEAPER TO SAY IT

The Daily Mail, in England, says Rod Stewart just bought an estatein the south of France for his fiancee Penny Lancaster. He paid $5.9million for the hillside home near Nice, and then paid another$150,000 for renovations.

Good old Nameless Insider told the paper that "Rod has a notoriousreputation, but with Penny he is convinced he has found The One. Thishouse was his gift to her, a way of saying, 'I love you.' "